One Year Later

I am blogging once again after so long.

A year ago I was determined to live my life and explore and go diving and traveling. The moment I posted my last entry, life took a different turn. 

I met the person who I thought was my whole life and world. I thought “I’ve found the one”.

I was wrong. 9 months into the relationship, I took the plunge to move to a different country to start our lives together, he called it off.

And here I am. In Singapore. All alone. 

I left my whole life, my family and my friends to be with someone I barely knew. 

Despite it all, I stood back up. Reinvent my life, my emotional and physical well-being. I learned to lick my own wounds, dieting and exercise to lose this excessive weight. Started dating again, meeting people of different age and background.

Am I happy? 

Yes and no. 

What’s next? To actually do what I posted a year ago. Dive and travel. Drink and get pissed drunk. Fall in love, a lot. At least the next time my heart gets broken again, I know how to fix it. 

One year has come and gone. I’m back to the beginning once again. 

Another Year Has Passed

Another year has come and gone. In fact, i just decided to take it easy. All these years i’ve been partying and making it a big hoo-ha when it really is just another day.

This year’s celeb really is different. Instead of having a simple/luxurious meal outside, i decided to just order in and eat with people closest to me. Just a small dinner of 5. Pizza and fried chicken made us talk so much more. Of course we still had our drinking session but its not the “get-totally-wasted” session. And the next day another gathering and more conversations flowed in. These are the people that are close to me but i seem to have forgotten to talk to them or to catch up. It really opened my eyes to how we can be so wrapped up in our little world and forget to catch up with people whom you’ve shared most of your life with.

And on the actual day, went to work as usual. Had bdae lunch with the wonderful team of people i work with and who wonderfully put up with all my day to day nonsense. This year’s gift was most practical. Considering im moving home and finances has been flowing out like water, they funded me with cash to buy my furniture. Honestly, im really touched. And we had a light dinner before furniture scouting and we just talked crap as usual.

Ever since so many thing happened, i forgot how to socialize. To make an actual conversation. I was so wrapped up in all my stuff and of course game, i forgot how to interact. Hours before my bdae, i just sat in the room and just started strumming my ukulele and drink my long saved thai rum for emergencies. I started singing and then talking to myself like a mad person.

As much as i said, “im still here, never moving forward”, i actually did do something. My work, my current cliques/family are my “forward”. They bring me through everyday. Sure i do wish deep down that that special someone will be the one i celebrate with. But life’s not all about this lovey dovey crap. With that, im more determined to work harder, earn more money and later, get a nice home and just travel my heart out. See different places, meet different faces. Further my diving experience and continue diving at different spots. I will get back on my diving route. Cause what many people dont realize is, i find calmness when diving. Other than the sound of the water and your own breathing, theres no hustle and bustle underwater.

Right now, i just want to end the night with Helen Jane Long’s music and sleep. So goodnight all 🙂

I’ve Not Changed

I’m still that old silly, giggly, crazy, loud, gangster, hot tempered girl i used to be. The only thing that changed is the state of my maturity.

Do i need to change?

I find myself constantly battling with the idea of who i should be.. My character has brought me this far which gives me an edge in my job.

But is it good enough socially? Should i conform to the idea of how a lady should be? Should i be what they want me to be? Talk less, talk softer, dress up more like a lady, be innocent and all the nonsense?

Cause right now, i feel like a horrible person. To the point that i’ve accepted the fact that i’ll die alone.

Maybe its just sleepless nights that gives me all these thoughts

The Person Who Tries To Make Everyone Happy Is Often The Loneliest Person

It’s getting tiring. Im tired of trying to please everyone. Pretending to laugh is not working anymore.

Almost always i give in to people’s opinion, what they say and what they want. Has anyone actually asked me what i wanted?

I just want the weekend to come. I wanna scream and shout n let it all out. Sit at the beach and listen to nothing but the sound of the ocean.

So much has been going on, im forgetting who i am. Then again, keeping it all to myself is the best for my problems to die off.

Signing off.

“She’s Rich What”

My dear friends,

There’s always a difference between being concerned and being sarcastic.

If you are being concerned, i can and will accept your point of view and learn from it. But when you are being sarcastic i take offence.

Sure i am going on a holiday spree. That doesnt mean im not prioritizing my finances and all. For those who knows about my recent issues, may judge me by thinking “after all that happened, she’s still spending money like water”. PS: its not my money to begin with so ya, i still get to spend my hard earn money.

I honestly have personal accountants everywhere. When people spend shit loads on clothes and stuff, i did not say anything because they can afford it and its their money. But when i go on holidays and trips or perhaps currently have my second phone, they make shit load of comments. Again, PS: i am not referring to one person but in general.

I will offend some people in this post. But enough is enough. My expenditure or generosity is none of your concern honestly.

It’s Like Going On A Shopping Spree

Life feels like a shopping session. You try one dress and if it doesnt fit you, you take it off and try another one. If that boutique doesnt suit your taste, you go to another store and find something you like.

In a way, i feel thankful of the things God has laid down for me.. One moment im sad, the next moment something great happens.. The feeling of achievement is always the best. Like i always said about myself “when my love life goes down to drain, is when my work excels faster than i can imagine.”

Just this week, i cleared 2 event, developing almost all collaterals for an upcoming event and starting to get involved with client servicing. Being confident and competent during work changed so many things. So yeap.. Decided. Not pursuing things that pulls me down anymore.

Life’s great now..

Uncertainty..

In the valley of death,
We walk in the midst of the unknown,
Clouded with mystery on our path,
We pray for the answers to be shown.

So we tried our best,
We keep searching and we seek,
And never let our feet rest,
Because it makes us look week..

They say life’s like a rollercoaster,
A journey with ups and downs,
But i wonder if i am ever a step closer?
Or do i still have to be that clown?

I tried and tried,
And i gave my all,
No matter how hard i tried and cried,
The wind came and blow it all..

So the storm left and the sun came,
But before you let a sigh of relieve,
It comes crashing again like memory lane,
Crushing everything you once believed.

And so its gone,
Like the winds of yesterday,
I am done.
“Let me go” i pray…

The City Never Sleeps

“คุณเป็นคนไทยใช่ไหม?” – are you thai?

“hahaha ไม่ ah..” – hahaha no ah (yes i manage to add some malaysian into it)

“พูดไทยได้ไม่?” – you can speak thai?

“หน่อยค่ะ” – a little

“ว้าวคุณมีลักษณะเหมือนไทย!” – you look like thai!

So far all my trips here, im getting used to answering all these questions thrown at me. Alas, its time to say goodbye to Phuket for a time being.. This is my last trip for the year.. Its time to see new places and see new faces.. Who knows what lies ahead! Conversing in one language is just not enough for me anymore..

Because i come here too much, i no longer need to check in to my hotel, the ladies at the restaurant knows what i want to eat, i can bargain like nobody’s business here and i manage to make friends with some of the amazing people..

But that’s just it.. My colleagues are right.. I AM an adventure seeker.. I need to travel, i need to do something.. Whilst im still alive, whilst im already considering my fate of being alone *as usual, my dramatics*, WHY NOT?! I will take shooting, and sky diving, and cliff diving, and what ever stuff that keeps my adrenaline rushing..

I will die, knowing i’ve done the things i love and go the places i want to.. I will die with no regrets 🙂

Reflection

Christina Aguilera sang “Who is that girl i see, staring straight back at me. When will my reflection show who i am inside?”

There are so many stages and moments in life. A time to cry and a time to laugh. Every one goes through different hurdles in their life. The question is, how they do it? 

I really am a master of disguise.. I can put a fresh mask everyday. It’s slowly becoming my face. I learned how to laugh and smile in the midst of troubles, sadness or grief. I can always suppress them, hide them and not let anyone find them. I guess there’s no point in letting others fee what you’re feeling especially when they don’t know what you are going through or feeling at that moment. Then it will just be a whole wave of sympathy. But i guess its because of this, that no one knows what im feeling. 

I am who i am. But over the years, i’ve learn to handle some stuff more maturely. But if you’re surrounded by people who are laid back, then you’re being the grim. My job made me think in a different manner, to handle things differently at times. I try my best to please everybody. Sometimes when i try too hard, then i just become annoying. I don’t wanna complain, but why is it that im taken seriously at my job but elsewhere, i become a joke and a nonsense to other people? 

I don’t wanna live a life of figuring out “whats next?”. That’s why i’ve planning ahead so that i have something to look forward to. Now that i have my diving license, most of my trips includes diving. No need to please anyone, no need to abide by anyone’s rule. I go by myself, and experience the world with my own eye. It’s not loneliness but solitude. If someone pays me to travel around the world, i’d be more than happy to take it. 

I guess now, instead of putting me in a black coffin, dress me up in a lacey black dress and throw me into the sea. Goodnight 🙂

New spark in life?

I need to find my new spark in life.. Yes, i may be doing something different everyday.. But i honestly dont know what’s next..

I want to go somewhere else.. I need to go somewhere else.. Somewhere that no one knows me or who i am before this.. A chance to scrap it all and start over.. Being somebody at work is just not enough anymore.

Once again, my life is at a stand still point.. I need something new in my life.