The Possibilities..

People often say that the possibilities are endless.. And i want to know the possibilities..

Had i been a bright student, would i have gotten a scholarship? Should i have succumb to the advise of my teachers, would i be someone else? Had i not dated, will i still be dumb and innocent about love? If i was skinny, will i be loved and famous?

There are so many questions that spark, every time i think of the possibilities. I guess one way or another, A cannot happen with the existence of B.. As much as i regret all of my wrong doings, they made me who i am today. 

Few weeks back, I met my headmaster and when he asked what is my current status, my mum proudly flaunt me off while i humbly said that i’m still new. Biggest bullshit ever came out from him mouth.. “I knew you would go far..” Yet, back then, i was reprimanded for talking, for not scoring A’s or doing well in my studies. By being different, i remembered how i was judged and rumors flying around of how i was a blabber mouth or a good for nothing. 

Today, i’m one of the happiest person with the job i have, the team i work in, the things i do, the people i know.. For what i was reprimanded for in the past, im making full use of it now, and it appears that my name is slowly getting out there.. I couldn’t be happier with my achievements. Mostly with the help of only certain people.. My mum who’s always supported me in all of my decisions even when i almost often fail her.. Aunty Steph, who was strict yet she guided me through all those years.. My uni lecturers and liaisons  who couldn’t be more than happy to harvest my talent and appreciate them whether it is in being an emcee, career talks or even just a simple presentation. I’ve excelled tremendously during my university period and i’ve came to know some of the best people and worked in some of the best companies. 

But now, i’m looking to the possibilities in the future.. Will i actually go far? Will people then know who i am? Will i finally settle down? Or will i live my life the way i feel? Travelling around the world, living from country to country, making everyday worth, and finally settling down in Hawaii and just surrender myself to nature and God… 

They say the possibilities are endless.. I guess now is when i find out.. Cause i vow to myself, that i will make my life different. Be it working my ass of and climbing up from the current status quo, travelling for my diving trips, or to see different country every year, im just going to continue moving forward. Far from what people expected me to be. I will prove to those who doubt me, to those who once reprimanded me, to my extended family members who looks down on me and my family.. 

I’m No Saint..

This week has been filled with work and errands.. I love the hectic-ness as much as i get tired after that. 

Helping my colleagues with their work, liaising with the clients was tiring but worth it.  

NYE get together at my place.. Simple food but again, its the company that matters.. 

Helping out David and Shanice with their shisha biz, meeting new people..

Accident on new year’s day.. *what an event to start the year with*

Joshyy got sick, so i went up and down to take care of him and accompanying him..

Mum came to KL to see my god sis’s baby *yeay im an aunt*

 

I like helping out.. I like being there for people.. It gives me a different set of thrill somehow.. Making a person’s day, lessening a person’s burden.. I guess in another way, Carpe Diem doesn’t necessarily mean seize the day with adventurous activity for yourself but for me, its making everyday worth for you and for others. I mentioned that my care and concerns really do not come with any ulterior motives.. Sure, im playful and all, but thats just along the way.

If some of you noticed, i’ve also cut down on my drinking and partying a lot. When people ask why, i tell them im settling down.. “????? Thats getting married and have a family, Mag..”

Settling down again, does not necessarily means get married, have a family and kids. Its this phase of my life where, i just wanna have a quite night after work.. Sit down and talk, shisha, or even just watch a movie. 

I wonder if my friends actually know me at times.. Almost often i regret things that i’ve done.. But events cannot be taken back.. Maybe in their mind, im that playful person, “adventurous in another manner”, clubbing kaki, a chimney pot, a drinker, a badass.. Perhaps that was once upon a time.. Other than shisha, i dont smoke anymore.. I drink when there’s an occasion, im still playful but that is really who i am to want to make everyone laugh, perhaps i look badass cause of my tattoo..

Since young, i’ve always dreamed of actually settling down. Find the person i love, start a family, and live for my family. But i guess now, that dream is still a dream. I did stupid stuff because i thought it was love. I thought that was how love is earned. As time passed, i know it’s just a stupid theory. But i guess my experience can only be a guide for those who are in the same boat, to tell them that it’s not.. I was once, or stupid for a few times.. But the rest doesn’t need to go through what i did.. 

Again, my dream is just a dream.. Cause.. I’m not that innocent girl.. But He help me make it though everyday.. I guess that’s enough..

2013/2014

2013 was indeed a year where i explored my options and went all out. I ended and started last year with my bestie, I started my internship, made an entirely new bunch of friends and im loving them so much, holiday, holiday and more holiday, learned a new language, got my diving license, secured the job I love before graduation, received my bonus, gone after events after events, got drunk *cause i only get drunk few times in my life* and flings *not that proud of*.

But now its 2014, i ended the year with my good friends, i started the year by partying and almost KO-ed. Resolution? I don’t make resolution. My resolution is always “Carpe Diem”. Seize the day. If you wanna do something, do something right and go all out. At least you know you’ve no regrets 🙂

They All Think That They Know Me.

When i’ve decided, it means i’ve actually decided. I can tell u straight up that no, im not okay. At this point everything is shattered into pieces and i have to pick them back and start fresh.

All i can say is everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I accept their opinion. But i can assure u, which ever path i choose to walk, its my choice. Maybe u’re right. Or maybe u aren’t. At the end of the day i just wish people will respect my decisions instead of telling me what could or will happen. Let me walk my own path, i’ll find my way.

I’m thankful for all the concerns and messages that i’ve not replied. At this point, i dont feel like replying anyone. But i do thank God for showing me who my real friends are. What happened lately are only known by some friends. Some were there, some werent.

My dear n Jv has been with me the whole day. Kingyy only knew what happened in this two days but was able to talk me over 45 mins of skype. Im feeling better. More things are to come and will happen.. Just fyi, im not pregnant, raped or suicidal. So no worries.

Its a new phase in life where i need to handle all the hardships at a go. The reason i chose to stay single for the rest of my life is because i have different needs and priorities in life.

Again, im not your average goody, goody, at home kind of girl. I need life and adventure. If you think i’d stop at scuba diving, you’re wrong. I wanna take up sky diving, shooting, car racing and whatever that keeps my adrenaline rushing. I want to go round the world and meet people and do new things. I find myself craving for new adventure almost everyday.

I always have a 5 year plan. Its been working out for me and i plan to keep it that way. Work for the next 5-7 years, then work and travel for the rest of my life. Not as a barista or waitress. During this 5-7 years i will try and take up as many courses or whatsoever that will help me while i work and travel. A planner or a PA or an instructor or maybe a teacher at a third world country. My life is to give back to society in ways i’ve always wanted to do. I dont wanna live my life as an average joe. A job that pays my rent and occasional entertainment, money to send home and a little savings is more than i can ask for.

Maybe God has a different plan for me few years down the road. But thats between us. I walk whatever road He lays for me. And i will just do what i need to do. But i know God did not put me here just to an average joe. Changing the lives of even just 1 person is more than i can ask for. Thats it. That is how i see my life. And the rest is up to what He has planned for me and not what others want me to be. Again, all i ask is the respect from my family and friends of the decisions i’ve made.

Another Year Elder.. And Hopefully Wiser..

Special thanks to all of those who has been spending time with me these 3 days.. Edwynn for sharing your bdae with me, my dears and darlings for making my dream come true and for loving me, David, Joshyy and gang for taking me out for lunch and spending time with me, my bising2 gang who accompanied me for dinner and shisha from my shisha peeps. Thank you all for your gifts and wishes. So sorry that i can’t personally thank each and every one of you as i’m really busy with work and now im really exhausted.

Thank God for putting wonderful people in my life. I couldn’t ask for more. So i’ve decided that, i should take care of myself so that i can take care of others. 

I actually have much to say. I had a lot to think. Of my life and who i wanna be. I really wanna put love in the equation. But the question is not whether i should put love in the equation rather can they accept me. I know that im not the person any guy wanna make the one. I’ve come to accept that truth. I’ve done many things, made many mistakes. If i could turn back the time and change it all, i would. I guess it’s too late. Who wants to be friend-zoned? 

But i guess now my priorities has changed.. I have to bear the responsibilities of taking care the family and the household. Put my skills to full use and be successful. Adopt a child, go for endless holidays. As long as the people around me are happy, i guess i’ll be the same too..

“รอแล้วได้อะไร (Ror Laeo Dai Arai)” by New Jiew

People Used To Say

“She talks to much”, “she’s bad with studies”, “she’s too dramatic”..

She landed a job she never thought she’s capable of. 

Im not smart, im not pretty. But i do like to talk, i like to laugh, i like to socialize. Its just a first job. Who cares? Whats the big deal? It is big for me. I never thought i’ll end up here. I thought i’ll be somewhere in the gutter, begging for money or marry someone rich and just live from day to day or best case scenario, a salesperson. 

Teachers *whom i shall not name*, most of them in high school, constantly tells me “shut up” and i was not allowed to speak my opinion about the topic or whatsoever in class. Honestly back then, i loved English and literature so much. Again, they who shall not be named, publicly humiliate me in class. That is why i gave up my interest in reading and writing. Why should i try when im not given the chance? I absolutely hate maths. Thats for sure. I wouldn’t mind trying, but again remarks like “if you use your brain more than you use your mouth, you’ll score full marks.” I remember that remark was thrown at me when i was asking some questions about the topic. But i guess being the black sheep in class, i’m always just doing “something else”. 

Im not book smart. I don’t score 10A’s, i don’t get scholarships. Ok wait i did. For my co-curriculum and for acing my interview. But if you let me do something im passionate about, i can give you the results. I can make it happen. But if you treat me like shit, then i certainly shall give you shit. Im not being pessimistic. I mean this is the cycle. Don’t treat others how you don’t want to be treated. Teachers always say that student’s do not respect them in class. Its not that we dont. Try seeing each of us personally. See what we’re good at. We’re not all that bad. We just have different way of looking at things. 

Then again, its too late to say “Im so happy for your success.” Cause now, its pay back time. Im going to do my best in work and expand my capabilities. To those who doubted me.. Thank you for doubting me. I’ll show my extended families and doubters that they are wrong. 

Thank You

Thanks to those who texted me, personal messaged me.. If i did not reply some of you, im sorry. But thank you. Im not fine. But i will be. This is not my first time anyways. Im ranting on FB, yes. But in reality, im trying to put on a brave face. Trying to stay strong.

I promised myself not to fall in love, but who am i kidding? So, i fall into another hole. A larger hole. And this involves too many people’s stake. I can’t be selfish. I can’t be stupid again. So what if he does love me? I can’t let my heart control my decision.

So, im just going to spend this weekend with thesis.. Try and tune out.. Im fucked.

Dear Diary

If i die, my closest friends, i have a secret blog. Find it. All my saddest, deepest darkest secret is in it. Read it, then hide it.

When The Boat Flew Up, It Was The Best Feeling Ever

No one to comply to, no schedule to follow.. I do whatever i want, however i want, meet whoever i want!

Im the princess, again. The minute i arrived i see familiar faces and i met new people.. When we got on the boat, they we’re smiling and all.. And well, i brought my balance liquor over and everyone was excited!

Everytime i go, i come back with a new nickname. This time its Sangsom.. Actually im quite surprised they remembering considering they see different faces everyday.. Now they are waiting for me to come back in November..

Now going to the title of this post, everyone else was scared and freaked out when the boat jump and flew up cause of the wave.. I was the only one laughing and screaming “wooh” along with the crews.. After PhiPhi i was already on the deck.. And the only one sitting outside with the crews..

If you know them, they are one bunch of wacky funny ass people! Oh i was playing translation for them too..

For the second time, i enjoyed nothig but the fresh wind, the sun, the sand and the people.. I did not think about anything, anyone..

Tomorrow i shall have the whole day to myself.. Again with the beach and the sun.. Then its back to reality.